Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

oh my gosh!!

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.