Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
#FunnyLife Insects
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.