Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Interior designer.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*