Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

i actually laughed 😩

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before