Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .