Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ignore life will it go away?

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up