Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
the saddest jazz hands ever
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!