Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

always be there

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE