Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

that wasn’t the question

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Banana is the quietest snack

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle