Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

This poor dog

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.