me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Oh. My. God.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
We will use anything but the metric system
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop