Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7