Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’