Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair