Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?