ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You can’t rush stupid.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me