Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Acronyms got me like WTF?

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”