Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

No.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

This is a sub tweet