Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re dead?

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

well this is just bullshirt

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

uh oh