@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

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@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

@LittleMissAngr1

My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.

@BoogTweets

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@Six_Pack_Mom

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@ranndrew

“How much do you love me?”
Count the stars in the sky and that’s how much I love you
“But it’s so cloudy”
*pats her on the head*
Yeah I know