Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’m being attacked 😭
Worst bar ever.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Air conditioning – not a fan
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram