Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

I feel it

Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:

1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.

2 – Says hello to the cat.

3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.