Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.