ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here