ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I love twitter
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS