Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Always…

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.