Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.