Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
the short answer to this question
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.