Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein