Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.