Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*