Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Unimpressed

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!