Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
You Might Also Like
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.