Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
they split up moments later
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
