Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.