Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song