ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
You Might Also Like
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives