ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
oh shit
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.