Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

I’ve been drinking.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist