Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

ㅤ

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday