Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

I’ve disappointed better people.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.