Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Well, this is awkward
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.