Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
🤣
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.