Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Heroic Misunderstanding
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.