Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I think I’m having a stroke
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this