Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Lube but for my dry humor.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.