Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.