me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
i’m sure it’s fine
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?