me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.