ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17