ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.