Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Schrödinger’s cookie

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.