ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Happy thanksgiving
My dad teaching me to drive
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.