Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*