Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.