ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You Might Also Like
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.