ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You Might Also Like
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.