Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“FRAAANCE!”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.