Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Boating season is upon us.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?