Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

are there any atheist mantises?

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.