Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)