Me: *gazes into his eyes*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.
Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*