Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.