Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.
2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*