Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

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Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.


I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.

2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.


Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!


[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that


When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster


[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.


Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*