Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

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Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am


“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.


if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured


I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.


When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.


if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat


– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.


Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.