Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN