ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*