Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.