Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
You Might Also Like
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about