Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!