[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
favorite tropes as memes
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
