ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
