ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.