ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
