Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I would like even faster food.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them